Cynicism Fan Gifts

'This policy has one exclusion - no payoff if civilization is destroyed by terrorism. However, in that event, all your premiums would be refunded.'

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

Diogenes and tourists

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Bush vs. America

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

Sucking Up to Gen X

"Let's see if we can't make an end run around basic human decency."

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

*2020

Born Cynical,,,,

A vending machine is dispensing free lunches for $10

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'