Cynicism Fan Gifts

'This policy has one exclusion - no payoff if civilization is destroyed by terrorism. However, in that event, all your premiums would be refunded.'

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Diogenes and tourists

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

Born Cynical,,,,

"Let's see if we can't make an end run around basic human decency."

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

A vending machine is dispensing free lunches for $10

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'