Cynical Enthusiast Gifts

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

The Forever Stamp

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

The Government That Cried Wolf

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

Dirty Tricks Dept.

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

Bush vs. America

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

'Team spirit, my ass.'

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

"Everything has been done to death."

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

'So you say, 'Tom, how do I become filthy rich?' Why, that's easy. By scamming others the way I'm about to scam you.'

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

*2020

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."