Cynical Connoisseur Gifts

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'At $12 a glass, I want it to spit out what it drank.'

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

'If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"In a just world we'd have 'No Lawyer Left Behind'."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

The Forever Stamp

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

The finer points of marriage.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Cliche Amusement Park. This park is no fun at all --- It's too much like real life! Look, that ride is called "The Emotional Roller Coaster." Over there is "Life's Ups and Downs"! ... and "The Mood Swings"! Look! The good old "Tunnel of Love"! Finally! A ride that's just a fun escape! Out of ardor. "Out of ardor" --- More real life. (Published originally Sept. 4, 2005.)

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Dirty Tricks Dept.

The Government That Cried Wolf

"My bouche was not amused."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Bush vs. America

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'