Cynic Enthusiast Gifts

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

Bush vs. America

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

"He's been up all night and fell asleep at the wheel."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'This model comes with F.S.H - P.S. - E.W. - C.C. - A.B.S and B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Everything has been done to death."

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

"Let's see if we can't make an end run around basic human decency."