Cynic Enthusiast Pillows

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"He's been up all night and fell asleep at the wheel."

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'This model comes with F.S.H - P.S. - E.W. - C.C. - A.B.S and B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

"Let's see if we can't make an end run around basic human decency."

"Everything has been done to death."

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

A vending machine is dispensing free lunches for $10