Cynical Enthusiast Pillows

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

The Forever Stamp

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

Dirty Tricks Dept.

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

"Everything has been done to death."

'So you say, 'Tom, how do I become filthy rich?' Why, that's easy. By scamming others the way I'm about to scam you.'

'Team spirit, my ass.'

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."