Cynical Lover Gifts

"Should I dump her now?" "Should I dump him now?" "Soul mates"

Would you like it engraved? Yes please put to my one and only love. That way if we break up and she throws it back at me, I can use it on someone else.

"Of course I'm after your money, you haven't got anything else."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

Always Compatible

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

The finer points of marriage.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"