Cynical Sweetheart Gifts

ACME DATING SERVICE, 'Do you take trade-ins?'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"I love you, you big fool."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

The finer points of marriage.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife. My sincerest condolences to you both."

"Sometimes Ben does very dumb things. I love that in him."

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

Valentines Love Hearts - Covid 19 edition.

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"You know as well as I do, love is just another word for offshore investments."

"But is it art ?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

'Yes is no longer god enough. Can I get an Amen?'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

'There's always a catch'

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

'Yes, I broke that campaign promise, but it was never NOTARIZED!'

"I have nothing to hide."

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."