Cynical Lovers Gifts

Macho Marriage Bureau,

Tunnel of You'll-Do-For-Now

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

65 Million Years Ago

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

Always Compatible

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

The finer points of marriage.

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife. My sincerest condolences to you both."

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

Love Then and Now