Cynical Romantics Gifts

Robert Macaire recieving expensive gifts from his love

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

A thief steals a heart

"What lucky stranger's hitting the jackpot tonight?"

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

Will Self deprecation

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"We'll always hate Paris."

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'