Romance Cynic Gifts

'It's full of all sorts of complex exclusions and 'get out' clauses.'

"Darling, let's get divorced."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

'Tunnel of love rats'

'We can't go on meeting this way, Lloyd. . .my husband's getting suspicious.'

"Love makes the world go round?! What...for 30 seconds a month?!"

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

Always Compatible

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'You're King Kong? You look bigger in the movies.'

"We'll always hate Paris."