Modern Love Cynic Gifts

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

Always Compatible

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

Valentines Love Hearts - Covid 19 edition.

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"We'll always hate Paris."

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."