Modern Cynics Gifts

Damn, cell phone!

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Let's face it, we're nothing but a puppet government.'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

No more bribes - today.

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

Old Rope

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."

Corrupted Politicians

Cornucopia Prime

I Really Don't Care Do U?

Cost of living - 'Thank God we're dead.'

"My wife is a doctor. That's great because I can endure the TV news only under general anesthesia."

'Against Joie De Vivre': Meet the author today.

'Vote Cameron, get Brussels.'

National Sarcasm Awareness: 'Thanks! Like that's really going to help.'

'Don't tell me about the basic goodness of children - as soon as there were two, Cain killed Abel!'

Wilders breaking election promises.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away. Disregard this baloney if you're asthmatic."

The Church of DanaeDanaeism: '...And I like it! It's refreshing to see honesty in a religion for a change.'

"Years are like my previous five marriages. You welcome them with big expectations, but you end hating them."

'A penny for your thoughts, Bernie... of course I'll have to pay you later.'

I can't believe it. Dead. Finally. Irrevocably. Someone died? Someone I knew? A little, perhaps, before politicians and corporations conspired to commit bloody murder. Who died? Truth. Truth is dead! Metaphors remain fully alive.