Literary Cynics Gifts

'Don't tell me you read that rubbish?'

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

The Forever Stamp

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

'Blair picks safe poet caureate' "He was just giong through the motions"

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"We'll always hate Paris."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, for whatever that's worth these days.'

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."