Book Cynic Gifts

'Who cares where Waldo is?'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Always Compatible

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

Love Then and Now

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

'It's just a male thing - none of them can feign passion beyond the event horizon.'

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.