Love's Cynic Gifts

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

Always Compatible

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"We'll always hate Paris."

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

Valentines Love Hearts - Covid 19 edition.

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, for whatever that's worth these days.'

Obama builds own gallows.