Love Cynics Gifts

"You're really starting to bug me."

"I'm experimenting with an arrow that dramatically lowers expectations."

Man lies online saying that he is not married and his wife hits him over the head with her rolling pin.

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

'Can we kind of get married?'

"I gave everything to this man... everything! And what did he do? He cheats on me with a debt consultant!"

"...and do you, John, give up your smug air of bemused detachment for the demands of marriage?"

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Always Compatible

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

'Have you two taken the COSMO 'compatibility test'?'

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"It's a beautiful ring. She'll definitely pause for a moment before saying no."

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'Love gets the credit, but business makes the world go round.'

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'