Relationship Cynic Gifts

"You said your pictures were recent."

'Everybody is not having great sex all the time! Ask my husband.'

'Instead of going through a wedding, marriage and divorce, let me just give you the keys to my house.'

'Your husband was just in here. He wants me to investigate you, because he thinks you're cheating on him.'

Punch Card: 'The next divorce is on me.'

'I'm not looking for a meaningful relationship, so don't tell me your name.'

"My wife is complaining I don't buy her flowers. To be honest, I didn't know she sold flowers."

'My wife says our marriage has been a sham for years.'

"I can't see it working - even his best man is a divorce lawyer!"

"You've forgot your overnight bag!"

I must confess, I have another one. He's there, last tomb on the right.

'They weren't close then?'

Thrift: Divorce and remarry smaller.

'If you really want to explore where no man has been before you're wasting your time with Doris Scoggins.'

'Some things never change. Bob and I still don't talk anymore just like we used to.'

'Yes, it was love at first sight... As soon as I saw his big, bulging wallet, I was head over heels.'

"Are you in a relationship?"

"OMG! You'd give up politics for me?"

"Try mansplaining your way out of this one."

"Evan has a syndrome where he cheats on me and does a lot of recreational drugs, but I forget the medical name for it."

'He said he's not ready to make a commitment until he knows how things turn out in light of the Mayan calendar predictions.'

Does Love Really Lats Forever?

"Have you met my first wife?"

'He wants something that tastes good, is less filling, and NO alcohol!'

"So enough about me, tell me about the size of your wallet."

'What do you mean, 'not bad, for a first date'?... Surely you don't think I'm putting myself through an experience like that again!'

'How touching. She's found her apathy-mate.'

'Of course, they're all married - this is a singles bar.'

My worst nightmare is to be a trophy wife. We're on the same page. My worst nightmare is marriage.

Food Science Lab. There's jealousy among the peanut butter molecules. "Smooth" does out all the time and "chunky" can't get a date.

Women wanting to date me is like government debt. Because it's solid and you can count on it? No, because the rate of interest is at an all-time low! (Published previously on July 19, 2010).

"I wish marriages had term limits."

"So, this is Becky. She's single and she's totally your type."

"You can usually tell how old they are by counting the rings."

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."