Friendship Cynic Gifts

"Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

Always Compatible

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"We'll always hate Paris."

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"It's from a girl in my class. Should I be thinking about a prenup?"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."