Friendship Cynic Pillows

"Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Always Compatible

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"We'll always hate Paris."

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

Diogenes and tourists