Compassionate Cynic Gifts

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Always Compatible

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'I hate my life.

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"It's from a girl in my class. Should I be thinking about a prenup?"

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

'It's just a male thing - none of them can feign passion beyond the event horizon.'

Love Then and Now

'I know I said you could take me home but I didn't mean to your place!'

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Bush vs. America

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'I guess we're both out of luck. You like girls with big boobs, and I like a man with brains and halfway decent looks.'

'When my hair turned to silver,my wedding ring turned to brass.'