Empathy Cynic Gifts

"Before you start moaning and groaning, just remember that you might actually not be the only one here going through a difficult time."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

The Forever Stamp

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Someday

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

Gullibility Test $1.00.

Will Self deprecation

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Bush vs. America