Empathy Cynic Pillows

"Before you start moaning and groaning, just remember that you might actually not be the only one here going through a difficult time."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

The Forever Stamp

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Will Self deprecation

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."