Cynic At Heart Pillows

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

"Look, I'm going to need a better description. It so happens a LOT of people have lost their innocence in the past few years!"

"There's a sucker born every minute."

'You're looking for an honest man? What a coincidence! - I have one right there in that alley!'

'It's a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing...and that wraps up today's news...'

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

The Forever Stamp

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Someday

Famous Oxymorons...

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

Gullibility Test $1.00.

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Will Self deprecation

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"