Cynic With A Heart Pillows

"Enjoy your youth. Soon you'll be an old cynic like me with nothing worth barking at."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Always Compatible

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Famous Oxymorons...

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"We'll always hate Paris."