Cynic's Companion Pillows

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Famous Oxymorons...

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Someday

The finer points of marriage.

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife. My sincerest condolences to you both."

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

Will Self deprecation

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Gullibility Test $1.00.

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'