Cynical Conversationalist Pillows

'I suffer. What do you do?'

'You could say I'm a pessimist. The glass isn't just half-empty, it's not even what I wanted to drink in the first place.'

"I've never hated Christmas, just people."

"You make me want to meet a better person."

"We're all in the same boat. We'll get through this."

'Do you have any enemies?' - 'No, only a lot of friends who hate me.'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"With great power comes great reward."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

Will Self deprecation

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"