Cynical Lovers Pillows

Macho Marriage Bureau,

Tunnel of You'll-Do-For-Now

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

65 Million Years Ago

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

Always Compatible

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

The finer points of marriage.

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

Love Then and Now

'I know I said you could take me home but I didn't mean to your place!'

'It's just a male thing - none of them can feign passion beyond the event horizon.'