Cynic With A Smile Pillows

"Some guys have better rafts than Steve... and friends... and jobs... and ears that don't always ring, but no one's got a better attitude."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

Famous Oxymorons...

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Will Self deprecation

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Obama builds own gallows.

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'That's it?'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"