Cheerful Cynic Pillows

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Here's to even lower expectations in the New Year."

"Well, everything's going great! I guess it's time to bring in the naysayers."

Christmas - Let's get it over with.

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

Obama builds own gallows.

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

"I started out looking for an honest man and settled for a guy with creative bookkeeping skills."

All Organic Pork: "Naturally smoked bacon my ass."

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."

Mail & Political lies.

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

"Some guys have better rafts than Steve... and friends... and jobs... and ears that don't always ring, but no one's got a better attitude."

'Help me, Helen! I'm feeling a momentary lapse of cynicism!'

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

"No comment for now, but there'll be a press leak at five."

"...nineteen, twenty. Ready or not, here I come!"