Cynic's Delight Pillows

All Organic Pork: "Naturally smoked bacon my ass."

"We assure residents that safety is our main motivation for installing automated speed enforcement cameras in town."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

The Forever Stamp

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Obama builds own gallows.

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"I started out looking for an honest man and settled for a guy with creative bookkeeping skills."

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

"So apart from stop being 'lying hypocritical uncaring bastards who'd promise anything to get back in power'...is there anything else we might do to secure your vote?"

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

'At $12 a glass, I want it to spit out what it drank.'

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"

Mail & Political lies.

"Some guys have better rafts than Steve... and friends... and jobs... and ears that don't always ring, but no one's got a better attitude."

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'