Cynic's Delight Gifts

All Organic Pork: "Naturally smoked bacon my ass."

"We assure residents that safety is our main motivation for installing automated speed enforcement cameras in town."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Obama builds own gallows.

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

Bush vs. America

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

Sucking Up to Gen X

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

"I started out looking for an honest man and settled for a guy with creative bookkeeping skills."

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

"I want a campaign that shows the brand's empathetic, inclusive and caring side - or you're all fired."

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

Mail & Political lies.

'At $12 a glass, I want it to spit out what it drank.'

"So apart from stop being 'lying hypocritical uncaring bastards who'd promise anything to get back in power'...is there anything else we might do to secure your vote?"

"Some guys have better rafts than Steve... and friends... and jobs... and ears that don't always ring, but no one's got a better attitude."

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"