Cynic In Training Pillows

In the beginning: Ed thought life was a bowl of cherries...

Famous Oxymorons...

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Will Self deprecation

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

Diogenes and tourists

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."