Cynic With A Heart Gifts

"Enjoy your youth. Soon you'll be an old cynic like me with nothing worth barking at."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Always Compatible

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

Famous Oxymorons...

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Someday

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th