Cynical Romantic Gifts

Tunnel of You Don't Deserve Love

'Gotta go, hot date with my future ex-wife.'

'I don't only love you because your father left you a million pounds. I'd still love you whoever left it to you. . .'

'You're wonderful company, but I was looking for someone with super pac value.'

'Have you been tampering with the sign?'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

The finer points of marriage.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"We'll always hate Paris."

Will Self deprecation

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

"Love is the temporary illusion that you're not alone in the universe"