Cynical Patient Gifts

'It's the health trusts policy to offer the patient choice, whenever possible, Mr. Lumb.'

Do Not Resuscitate

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Someday

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Famous Oxymorons...

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

Gullibility Test $1.00.

Dirty Tricks Dept.

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

'If you had more criminal potential, you'd get a bonus like all the other investment bankers!'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Will Self deprecation

The Government That Cried Wolf

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Cash Rebate

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'