Cynic In A Cubicle Gifts

Do Not Resuscitate

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

In, Out, Shake it all about

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"I'm not lazy. I'm resting before I get tired."

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Famous Oxymorons...

Wow. A corner office at last

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'If you had more criminal potential, you'd get a bonus like all the other investment bankers!'

'You don't understand, Hartwell -- the handshake WAS your Christmas bonus.'

Will Self deprecation

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

'Yes is no longer god enough. Can I get an Amen?'

'That's it?'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

'Leave us your suggestions here.' (The suggestion box is a shredder)

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

"I was thinking about leaving until I found out they were going to waterboard me during the exit interview."

Find the failed CEO who got a 200 million dollar bonus while being fired.

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

The Side Effect of Self-Awareness