Office Cynic Gifts

"We're ready to begin the next phase of keeping things exactly the way they are."

They laid off half the staff and installed a mirror, hoping no one would notice.

"Well we've had our 15% budget cut confirmed, nobody's applied for our vacancies and we're moving the office into a portocabin in the carpark. Item 2 staff morale"

Company Values

"I just can't work out where the f*****g Swear Jar money went."

"I was thinking about leaving until I found out they were going to waterboard me during the exit interview."

Flag boss.

The Side Effect of Self-Awareness

Find the failed CEO who got a 200 million dollar bonus while being fired.

'Look at your dismissal as support for the third world, because that's where the company's moving!'

'Why don't you stop by my office tomorrow? I may have some work for you.'

'I called you all here to let you know that corporate has pulled the plug on us -- effective 30 seconds ago.'

Man at a desk in Performance Review Dept. has a cannon in the 'OUT' box pointing out the window lights cannon.

"Your job will be to bang your head against this wall from nine to five each day."

"Sir, are all these compliments and this reminiscing about my time here leading up to my termination?"

"I happen to know he's not the least bit interested in the business. This is all just an ego trip for him."

"I've given him your message. If you'll just take a seat, he'll be out in a moment with his hands up."

"Of course, with the position that has the benefits—medical, dental, et cetera—there is no salary."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

Do Not Resuscitate

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

No Immediate Danger

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"Congratulations! You've made the short-list for who we're blaming."

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'