Service Cynic Gifts

Please take a number.. '.E = MC2?'

'Okay, forget the warden. I'll speak to anyone in customer services.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

No Immediate Danger

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'

"Sometime today do you mind putting in a two-week notice so I don't have to fire you?"

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"Your employees have lost faith in your ability to pretend to care about them."

'I'm not looking for something that will eliminate 10% of my employees. I want something that'll eliminate all of them.'

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'