Customer Service Cynic Gifts

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"Hi, this is Larry, the warm, human voice that pops in during your exasperating tour through our company's automated phone answering system, gets your hopes up and then dashes them to the rocks before you can utter a word. Please hold!"

'We specialize in comfort food and laid back service. That means the greasy meat loaf will be cold when I finally serve it to you.'

A Dog Who Never Got His Day.

If you don't see what you want - just ask.

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

Payback Time

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

'These smart pills are overpriced!"

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'

Cash Rebate

'Would you like a room on the sunny side, sir? Haha, just kidding!'

You want tech support. This is mockery and belittlement.

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street!"

"To increase consumer optimism, we're going to put Prozac in the drinking water."

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

"I was thinking about leaving until I found out they were going to waterboard me during the exit interview."

"It's a new bank policy, sir - Transactions under $500 just aren't worth our while."

"I've given him your message. If you'll just take a seat, he'll be out in a moment with his hands up."

'Ladies and Gentlemen we regret to announce there will be a slight delay to your flight.'

The bipartisan election cycle: 'Every 2 years without fail, I perform my patriotic duty and vote the bums out.'