Cynical Consumer Gifts

HELLth-care Insurance

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"How come in these days of downsizing and lower expectations, all these sneakers come with ridiculously long laces?"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

Will Self deprecation

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

'These smart pills are overpriced!"

'I hear voices again! Buy! Buy! Buy!'

Seven deadly sins store

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

Diogenes and tourists

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Cash Rebate

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'That's it?'

"To be perfectly frank, the preceding was a paid political bunch of lies."

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

The bipartisan election cycle: 'Every 2 years without fail, I perform my patriotic duty and vote the bums out.'

'According to the voice-stress analyzer, he's not going to lower taxes.'

Sucking Up to Gen X

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

"...and, if elected, I promise never to tell another lie...oh, there I go again!"

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."