Cynical Reader Gifts

"Soon to be a major disappointment."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

The Government That Cried Wolf

Dirty Tricks Dept.

Will Self deprecation

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

Suggestions Get Shredded.

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

Black Friday

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

Diogenes and tourists