Cynical Commentator Gifts

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"Out there are people who are still gullible and your job is to find them."

"I was checking to see how many promises the candidates will break, and my computer couldn't take it and blew up."

'I'm going to be honest about this -- I'm from the Government, and I'm here to bamboozle you.'

"Amazing. Their entire economy was based on gift cards."

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

'When we said 'the common good,' of course, we meant ourselves.'

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"Venal, narcissistic, power hungry politicians. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em."

"He's not the best candidate. He's the best candidate money can buy."

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

Oh...did I say I'd catch you? It's so hard to trust the word of politicians these days, I find!

US Congress, recommended donation: $50,000.00.

R. Jones: Apologist for the Apologists.

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

'If elected, I promise to tax and spend to the best of my ability...'

'Please give all you can spare -- it's to bribe a Senator to get the firm a Government contract.'

"Ah...Good morning Sir, we're from the 'couldn't give a toss party."

'My conviction is the perfect example of why it's so hard to attract good people to politics these days.'

'Then one day, for some mysterious reason, we all simultaneously stopped believing our own hype, and the company just went POOF!'

Have you seen me? I'm the man you thought you elected to office.

'We still haven't found your husband, Mrs. Philbert, but he left a political-suicide note.'

CONGRESS, 'We all do a little influence peddling, but Gilhooley carries a sample case!'

'Strangers, maybe, but never rely on the kindness of POLITICIANS!'

"Im going to admit to the affair, and then I'm going to deny it. Let me know which is more convincing."

"Sir, your trust me sign is crooked."

"Typical you can't get hold of a politician for years and then three turn up at once."

"Politics is the art of promising much, delivering little, and convincingly arguing it's the other party's fault."

"We need an investigation into why there is an investigation to deflect attention into why there is an investigation."

Uncle Sam

"I want to thank all of those who once again voted against their own self interest."

R. Chumway: 30 Years in Public Office and Never Indicted

"I take it that you're new here - otherwise you'd know that 'one big happy family' is merely a figure of speech."

"The only reason I would take a job in government is to write a tell-all book!"