Cynical Commentator Gifts

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

"Out there are people who are still gullible and your job is to find them."

"I was checking to see how many promises the candidates will break, and my computer couldn't take it and blew up."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

'I'm going to be honest about this -- I'm from the Government, and I'm here to bamboozle you.'

'When we said 'the common good,' of course, we meant ourselves.'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"He's not the best candidate. He's the best candidate money can buy."

"Venal, narcissistic, power hungry politicians. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em."

"Amazing. Their entire economy was based on gift cards."

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

R. Chumway: 30 Years in Public Office and Never Indicted

Uncle Sam

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

"The only reason I would take a job in government is to write a tell-all book!"

"I take it that you're new here - otherwise you'd know that 'one big happy family' is merely a figure of speech."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I want to thank all of those who once again voted against their own self interest."

"Politics is the art of promising much, delivering little, and convincingly arguing it's the other party's fault."

"Sir, your trust me sign is crooked."

"Typical you can't get hold of a politician for years and then three turn up at once."

"Im going to admit to the affair, and then I'm going to deny it. Let me know which is more convincing."

US Congress, recommended donation: $50,000.00.

R. Jones: Apologist for the Apologists.

"Ah...Good morning Sir, we're from the 'couldn't give a toss party."

'If elected, I promise to tax and spend to the best of my ability...'

'Please give all you can spare -- it's to bribe a Senator to get the firm a Government contract.'

Oh...did I say I'd catch you? It's so hard to trust the word of politicians these days, I find!

'My conviction is the perfect example of why it's so hard to attract good people to politics these days.'

'Then one day, for some mysterious reason, we all simultaneously stopped believing our own hype, and the company just went POOF!'

Have you seen me? I'm the man you thought you elected to office.

'We still haven't found your husband, Mrs. Philbert, but he left a political-suicide note.'

CONGRESS, 'We all do a little influence peddling, but Gilhooley carries a sample case!'

'Strangers, maybe, but never rely on the kindness of POLITICIANS!'