Cynical Satirist Gifts

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

The Post-Modern Bar & Grill.

How to make money for the apocalypse.

'My success? It's difficult to give reasons...I suppose its a combination of grit, energy, the will to succeed...and a few well-placed relations.'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

'Stocks soared on news a financial lobbyist wants 'greed' dropped as one of the cardinal sins.'

Obama builds own gallows.

Special Place in Hell...

Psychological Warfare Target Practice

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"But is it art ?"

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'Yes is no longer god enough. Can I get an Amen?'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."