Cynical Satirist Gifts

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

The Post-Modern Bar & Grill.

How to make money for the apocalypse.

'My success? It's difficult to give reasons...I suppose its a combination of grit, energy, the will to succeed...and a few well-placed relations.'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

'Stocks soared on news a financial lobbyist wants 'greed' dropped as one of the cardinal sins.'

"But is it art ?"

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

Obama builds own gallows.

Special Place in Hell...

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Psychological Warfare Target Practice