Cynical Artist Gifts

Doomsdayers recycle pamphlets in case they are wrong.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Famous Oxymorons...

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

'Blair picks safe poet caureate' "He was just giong through the motions"

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

Will Self deprecation

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."