Cynical Artists Gifts

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

Will Self deprecation

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

'Blair picks safe poet caureate' "He was just giong through the motions"

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"But is it art ?"

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."