Cynical Humorist Gifts

The power of positive thinking is born, followed immediately by the birth of the politely bemused, cynical retort.

Beware of Cynic.

'A conflict of interest? But that's my favorite kind of conflict.'

Lobbyville: 'I love this dirty town.'

"Close your eyes, breathe in and feel your purses and wallets begin to open...get a sense of them growing lighter with every passing moment...lighter...and lighter..."

'I'm going to be honest about this -- I'm from the Government, and I'm here to bamboozle you.'

'Some words of wisdom son, crime does't pay. However...business crime does!'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

'Remember, we're all in this... not together, but we're all in this.'

"Oh, it's just another Member of Parliament."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

'Spin isn't working...so I recommended that we resort to old fashioned lying.'

"You can always tell when politicians are lying - their lips move."

"But is it art ?"

'You'll meet a tall, dark stranger online, who will turn out to be a short, fat, ugly wierdo'

'You know, if we play it right, campaign finance reform could be pretty lucrative.'

Oink.

ID Card Meeting - 'How else are we going to arrest, torture and imprision Conservative voters?'

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

Mrs. Finegan's Tap Water

"Political advisor seemed to be the obvious avenue for my skills: I used to sell snake oils..."

"Im over-cynical, eh? Which dark forces put that idea in your head?"

Vote here, then vomit here.

The Little Engine With Unrealistic Expectations

Truth in Advertising.

"I've got bad news: The captain has assured us that we're not being replaced by automation, and that we have job security."

"It's a sign of the times - I get death threats just calling the numbers."

'It all started one day, when my doctor told me I had to learn how to relax.'

"Really? If I had a law degree I'd be panhandling by the Courthouse.''

"I'm sorry, but three zombies an apocalypse do not make."

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"You are gullible and naive. You believe untrained charlatans. You squander your money."

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

So you're not running for the Republican party's nomination for president? I'm dropping out to spend more time with my family. What family? You don't have any "family." You don't even have a girlfriend, or any prospects. You don't have so much as a hamster. The closest thing you have to a dependent is the mouse that lives under your bed. If you're quitting 'cause you can't win, just say so. I'm pursuing opportunities in the private sector. Stop it.