Cynical Comedian Gifts

'There goes an honest politician -- his only campaign promises are 'death and taxes.''

The Maybe Society

Don't Worry, the Government Will Solve Climate Change Even Though It Can't Solve Anything Else

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

There was a fly in my soup. I'd like a refund. Ok. Where's the soup? I threw it away already. Why do you need to see the soup? You don't trust me? I'm deeply offended! Sorry. Give me the receipt and I'll get your refund. The fly ate the receipt.

It's true that when you wish upon a star it makes no difference who you are, but it makes a big difference who you know.

'World peace? Isn't that just an idealistic cliche?'

'Everything's gonna be great!' 'I'd never trust a politician who wasn't willing to lie to me!'

"Don't let his appearance fool you, he's a lobbyist with your best interest at heart."

October: When the foliage is all too fleeting...and those campaign ads are not...

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

The finer points of marriage.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

"But is it art ?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'