Cynical Comedian Pillows

'There goes an honest politician -- his only campaign promises are 'death and taxes.''

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

'World peace? Isn't that just an idealistic cliche?'

'Everything's gonna be great!' 'I'd never trust a politician who wasn't willing to lie to me!'

"Don't let his appearance fool you, he's a lobbyist with your best interest at heart."

October: When the foliage is all too fleeting...and those campaign ads are not...

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

The finer points of marriage.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"But is it art ?"

Obama builds own gallows.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'