Cynical Humorists Pillows

"Let me get this straight - You're divorcing him because of a fortune cookie message?"

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

65 Million Years Ago

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

The finer points of marriage.

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

"But is it art ?"

Obama builds own gallows.

iDeasy

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

"I have nothing to hide."

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

"Everything has been done to death."

Oink.